One day many years ago I was sitting at my favorite spot in the "High-note". It was a bar owned by an older Italian man, Sam, having "Interesting Character" (both the man and the bar). In the back of the bar was another big concert room called the "Rocking Horse" and run by one of Sam's sons.
On this particular night, Sam had a couple of free passes to the event in the back and chose to give one to me. When I entered the room, it became obvious that this was an all black event. Not only was I the only white face in the room, there was the familiar smell of freshly smoked bud (marijuana) in the air. This was a battle of the bands event where the bands (mostly rap) competed to win a prize. In one of the bands, "H" was the lead wrapper. When I first laid eyes on her, it was a magical moment; before me on stage was the most beautiful young woman I had ever seen before. How could I even meet, much less speak with this individual? I made a plan. I am well versed in systems theory and this was an opportunity to exercise influence in a realm far outside my capabilities at the time. During the concert, I asked around to find out who organized the event and when the next one would be. At the end of the night, I walked up to "H" smiling, said "I enjoyed your performance", and handed her a $20 bill and went home. Every time she performed for the next year, I did the same thing. After that, I changed the routine slightly. This time, I added "and this is my business card and my cell phone number on the back. I'd really appreciate it if you could send me an email or phone call so I'll know when and where you're performing". Then I started skipping concerts; first every other one, then most of them. It didn't take long for the cognitive discord to set in. She started calling me when she would perform. She soon realized that I was more reliable, consistent, honest, and dependable than anyone else she knew so at some point I became her personal driver. In the first few months, there were always three or four people who jumped in the car with her. She enjoyed the prestige of being able to get a ride from point A to B whenever she needed, and having someone available who was cheerful, on time, and asking for nothing in return. Growing up in the hood and meeting someone like me is simply outside the life experience of everyone.
I met all her family and interestingly, there is no shortage of freeloaders there. The patriarchs hold down rent, power, and water bills either through a disability check or clerical work. The children don't work and provide food for the household through food stamps. The grand children grow up in a home where they and their parents are not wanted or appreciated, and there are complex networks of codependency, addiction, prostitution, and distrust.
"H" signed with a major record label and moved to Atlanta to "make it big". Around this time, I moved to Ensley and started my journey in the hood. "H" and I spent long hours on the road over the next six months and became close friends. Her family hated that she appeared to have a chance to be successful and did everything they could to emotionally sabotage her.
I noticed a pattern in her family - "H"'s momma actively spread rumors about her, brought up bad things from the past to discourage her at every opportunity - in fact, "H"'s momma actively spread rumors about me; imagine my surprise to hear through the grape vine that I'm a drug dealer. That's funny. Sauce for the goose actually - at that point I was on the inside; totally trusted and able to enable positive change in her life. I made a strategic move; I started talking about how overwhelmed I was with the castle/brick-tent. This naturally gave her the idea that she could move in and help with process of adding attributes of modern civilization. After a particularly cruel episode at her grandmother’s house, she called for a pickup, loaded the back seat with a bunch of cloths, and moved in. It was an awesome day.
I was ready. In systems theory, the Tao of power is to place subtle elements into the system which modify the system in small ways. Create elements that subtly reward what you want and elements that ever so slightly hinder what you don't want. Over time, good change happens without effort and automatically because of the small parts of the system changed by your presence. People who don't study systems theory call this powerful idea "unintended consequences". I love the idea of "intended consequences". Another major aspect of systems theory is perspective; the way you frame things in your mind or the way they are perceived by others has a major influence on the control that they exercise.
After a couple of months, "H" had the inside of the house looking awesome. Her room was fully setup, looked really nice, and she (it turns out) is an awesome cook. We had a daily routine where I would get up, bring her breakfast in bed from McDonalds, and then go to work then she would get up and jog around the neighborhood, then get cleaned up and do some daily house cleaning, then cook something for us in the evening. Depending on what was going on, she might ride out with friends or have them over. I enjoyed inquiring about the "wreck count" each day; it was often greater than zero - part of her jogging route was up Bush Blvd and many times guys would be so mesmerized they crashed into the curb.
Maybe a month later, one Thursday I came home from work and "H" announced "James, we're going to Church on Sunday." That's fantastic, I said, which one? "It's the Church I went to when I was in grade school. I can't jog past it again without going in." Life is interesting; I have a friend, closer than a sister, who is a New York trained amazing African dancer; beautiful from head to toe. Over the years she shared her life with me, I remember that maybe half the black churches she performed at resulted in either the head pastor or an associate pastor approaching her and asking if she would like to have a "secret relationship". I didn't share this with "H", but when we stepped through the Church doors on Sunday, not only was I wearing the "Full Armor of God", I was prepared to speak up if needed. In this case, those fears were unwarranted. It was funny when we sat down, two or three of the nearby children saw me and tugged on their momma's sleeves; "Momma - there's a white man!" pointing at me.
The service was amazing; at one point I thought to myself - "I can't believe I'm actually IN a Tyler Perry play." "H" walked down front and had a spiritually saving experience. Interestingly, one of the senior staff with the gift of discernment laid hands on me and gave me a spiritual interrogation the likes of which I did not know was possible. I received a lot of attention those first few months in the Church - fodder for future blog posts; once there was an exorcism during the service - I was the possessed one; it failed. I'm not sure if that was because whatever possessed me was more powerful than Pastor, or because the daemon presence was a false positive - hopefully the latter.
Over the next six months, I witnessed "H"'s life be absolutely transformed by the new spiritual dimension and the spiritual milk from the Church. Fully six of the Church moms adopted "H". She joined the Choir; I remember how fun it was to sit and listen while they practiced. I remember the first Sunday she would be up front; she was awake and practicing at 5:30 am (Church starts at 11:00).
About six months later, she met the man of her dreams and moved out to live with him. She got a hard low-end job, but worked hard at it and showed up reliably and consistently, so she got promoted after a year. She married her man. Then about six months later, she got a new job doing exactly what she loves to do. This is career material. "H" watched my ways; she used these concepts to create an environment where her husband cannot help but be a good one. This is healthy whole family material. God is good.
Epilogue
It is impossible to verbalize the joy I have experienced knowing "H". Whether it came from the many times my heart was happy in her presence or being blessed with a front row seat watching the Lord transform a life, I'm not sure.
My birthday is always very near Mother's day, so when I visited momma last Saturday for Mother's day, she sent me home with one of her pecan pies. On Sunday, I had the privilege of giving it to "H"'s husband saying "Here's a little something from my mom on Mother's day - from my family to yours; it'll make you smile, and give "H" an even bigger smile." Momma's pecan pies with "H" bring back good memories from years past.
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